I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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