So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
