My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
