dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
