the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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