U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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