i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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