so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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