I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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