I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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