come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
