just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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