i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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