Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
