I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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