i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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