Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
