Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
