soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
