I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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