I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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