So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
