and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
how does that bad decision feel?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
