it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
