hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
