Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
