i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
