I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
