im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
