Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
