just come out here and I will go home with you...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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