I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
