What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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