So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
