I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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