Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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