I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
