textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
