well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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