Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
