Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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