I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
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