Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
