i don't like sucking hair
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize