You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
