I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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