Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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