i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm at about main and main street
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
