Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
