ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
