upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
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The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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