Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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