I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
