Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
