What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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