there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
