take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
