She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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