New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
