I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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